FF7 Cast Does Shakespeare: The Taming of the Shrew
by Kidbond
Summary: Due to popular demand from my Mega Man comedy fic, my second work of insane comedy. Just like the title suggests, Cloud, Tifa, Sephiroth and Co. **try** to do classic drama. (ACT 1)


The FF7 Cast does Shakespeare:  The Taming of the Shrew

For those of you who have read the play

Baptista: Red XIII (no, don't ask)

Katherine: Yuffie

Bianca: Tifa

Petruchio: Sephiroth

Gremio: Hojo

Hortensio: Barret

Lucentio: Cloud

Vincentio: Vincent

Tranio: Cid

Biondello: Cait Sith

Act 1__

_Flourish. Enter Cloud and his man Cid._

Cloud: 

Uh… Cid, since for the great desire I had

To see fair Padua, nursery of arts,

I am arrived for… for… uh… something about a trophy?

Director:

_whispered _Lombardy! For fruitful Lombardy!

Cloud: 

Oh yeah.

I am received the fruitful Lombardi Trophy,

_football announcer voice_ on the frozen tundra, of Lambeu field.

Director:

CUT, CUT!  Cloud, what the HELL do you think you're doing!

Cloud:

Just getting into character…

Director:

_screaming _This is SHAKESPEARE!  Not NFL FILMS!

Cloud:

Shakes-whosa?

Sephiroth:

_walks on stage _I told you I deserved the part.

Cloud:

HEY!  I'M the resident blonde pretty boy around hear!  If you wanted to get the good part, you shouldn't have turned yourself into a fruitcake.

Sephiroth:

Most literary scholars believe Petruchio to be the leading part anyway.

Director:

…

Cloud:

…

Cid:

@$#!&^*??

Cloud:

Hey wait a sec, you just want the part so you can score with Tifa don't you.

Sephiroth:

_blushing _Uh… …

Cloud:

She's mine!  Ha!  Hear that Sephiroth!  So you can destroy planets with the snap of your fingers, but I got the hot chick.  SO!  Who's better now, huh, huh?  _starts dancing around him with his tounge out_

Tifa:

_walks on stage and gets super big angry head_ WOULD YOU STOP TREATING ME LIKE I'M PART OF YOUR PROPERTY AND GET ON WITH THIS!!!

Cloud:

Well when you dress like that…

Tifa:

_SMACK!_

Director: Well since we WASTED all that time there, let's skip ahead to the part where Cloud and Cid trade places.

Cloud is wearing a silken shirt with a big frilly neck.  Cid has on dark, dirty, brown servant clothes that are too big.

Cloud:

Er… Thou shalt be master,_tilts neck uncomfortably_ Cid, in my stead _pulls at collar_

Keep, uh, house, and… and, port, and…

Forget this.  What the HELL am I wearing?  This neck thing is bigger than my head, what am I a poodle?  And what's on my sleeves?  Lace?  I look gayer than Sephy.

It takes three stage hands and Barret to hold him back.

Cid:

Cloud, please calm yourself.  If you knew anything about the Elizabethan era, you would know that that was standard wear.  Not only is it upper-class, but it was often seen worn by nobility.  Please be more informed with your complaints next time.

Cloud:

…

Director:

…

Stage hands:

…

Barret:

…

Sephiroth:

…

Cid:

What.

Cloud:

You actually managed for sentences without a single cuss word…

Cid:

What??  I did?  Dammit!

Director:

What are we doing people!  A play or a squabble fest? Get into your places and lets get this show moving!

Everyone scrambles to they're places.  It's the scene where Red is talking to Hojo and Barret, who are trying to court Tifa, and says nobody can have Tifa until Yuffie gets married.  Cloud spies from the bushes with Cid.

Cloud: _talking about Tifa_

O Cid, till I found it to be true,

I never thought it possible or likely.

But see, while idly I stood looking on,

I found the effect of love-in-idleness,

And now in plainness do confess to thee

That art to me as secret and as dear

As Anna to the Queen of Carthage was:

Cid, I burn, I pine!  I perish, Cid,

If I achieve not this young modest girl.

Counsel me, Cid, for I know thou canst.

Assist me, Cid, for I know thou wilt.

Cid's mouth starts twitching into a slight smirk.  Tifa lets out a little giggle.  Sephiroth is already on the floor laughing, and Barret is standing stupefied.

Yuffie:

Yay! Cloud!  You were great… _She gets odd stares_ or… not…

Everyone starts guffawing.  Cloud starts leaving rejected.

Cid:

_imitating Cloud_ I burn, I pine!  HA HA!

Barrett:

Twitching to much to talk 

Sephiroth:

Choking with laughter 

Cloud is in his dressing room sobbing.

Cloud:

Why, why, why, I just wanted to do good, I DID my part, why does everyone hate me.

_A cold wind blows through the room.  Everything starts flying around and a giant image of Aeris appears._

Aeris: This is the spirit of Aeris…  Cloud, please continue your acting.  Do this, do this play for me….

Cloud: Um, I would, Aeris, but I have Tifa now, I don't need you.

Meanwhile on set 

Cid: What a *&% moron!  
  
_THUNDER_

Barret: Did you guys hear that sound like thunder?

Tifa: Oh, god, Cloud's dressing room is on fire again!

Cid: Who the hell cares?

Director: I do!  After that gerbil incident, I'm not losing ANY more cast members.  One freakish unexplained death, our insurance will cover, but two, nuh uh, they draw the line there.

Tifa: Then let's see what's wrong with him!  
  
_~Fin, Act 1~_


End file.
